I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
