I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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