I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
