at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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