Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and she was petting her beer can
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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