I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
