God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Randomize
