I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
