Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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