I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
