you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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