1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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