he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
