Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
