my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
