There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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