We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
