OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
