I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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