I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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