So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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