True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
