too bad you live with your parents still
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
