I can tuck mytits in my pants
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
