8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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