Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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