Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
