My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
