i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you never un-have a 4some
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
