Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All the doctor said was why
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
