so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
