Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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