Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
