If that was your dad, he is hot
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
