Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
