M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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