Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
