If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
