um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
