Umm I'm too high to move.
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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