i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
