sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
