do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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