she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
