In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We're too hungover to prance.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
