drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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