Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
