i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
