my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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