I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
