I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
