i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize