I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
