He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
