she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize