you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
