I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
